It’s hard to solve a problem when you’re so angry you can’t think straight. That’s why helping kids learn to solve conflicts starts with helping them calm down.
First, they need to recognize their emotions. Young kids might have a hard time naming their feelings. It can help to have a feelings chart to look at. A stoplight can also work. A red light means emotions are big and they need time to cool off. A yellow light means they’re beginning to calm down. Green means they’re ready to solve the problem.
You can help your child come up with tools to calm down. They might splash some water on their face, take some deep breaths or play with a pet. When they’re ready to focus, you can help them find the source of the conflict. This can be hard for younger children. The fight may have started with a toy, but it might really be about something bigger.
Have your child pitch some solutions to their conflict. Then you can both pick out which are best. Remind them that the best option isn’t just the one that feels best. It’s also the one that gets them to their goal. It’s good to praise your child for their efforts to fix a problem, even when they don’t pan out.
Learning to say what you need in a way others understand is an important problem-solving tool. “I” statements, like “I felt sad when you didn’t sit with me,” are also a good tool. Kids can even role-play with a grownup who can give feedback. It’s good to teach these skills when your child’s not in the middle of a conflict. It’s important to model these skills for your child, too. You can walk them through how you’d solve your own problem step by step.
Source: Child Mind Institute, “Teaching Kids How to Deal With Conflict” by Juliann Garey, https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-how-to-deal-with-conflict/